At my university orientation in November, one of the advisors posed a question to the 300 young freshly minted students in the room.
What are you most afraid of?
I am most afraid of being afraid....I didn't say.
Instead what I said was failure. Which is partially true. I am afraid that I will fail in my classes, I will fail to meet the people I care about expectations. I am afraid I won't succeed in my career.
What I am most afraid of however, is being too scared to act. Too scared to try.
Getting to university was a long, exhausting effort. I started freshman year of high school by taking one college credit class. I took more sophomore,and I haven't taken a summer off from school since; basically harassed educators and advisors alike to make sure everything on my transcripts was okay. On my way here, I encountered those partial truths - I failed classes, I disappointed family, I abandoned opportunities.
But I learned to try at least. I learned trying and failing is not as painful as simply failing. I have come to be able to accept those mishaps and mistakes, my heavy shortcomings. But I still feel a tightness in my chest, nausea and aches when I am encountered with new situations that are optional. Situations where I don't have to put a foot forward; there wouldn't be any implicit or explicit cost to me, it's there for me to take a leap if I so please.
In layman's terms I guess I am afraid of regrets.
That's not to say I have none. I still make wrong choices I later question myself as to why. Mainly passive decisions that go against my morality. I am still a work in progress in fighting this fear of trying. In completely eradicating the beast of contradictory voices in my head. I don't have to try new things, I don't have to try to defend my morals and beliefs - but I should.
Now, as I look out the 6th floor library window onto the quiet campus, I was hit with the effort I did make when it was truly optional. All of it was. The advising appointments, the college credit courses, working where I chose to work, living where I live. And yet I am here, having committed to action, to my lifestyle through a combination of big decisions and small choices. The friends I've made, the work I do, the things I learn.
In some ways, my fear of regrets, my fear of choices has led me to make easier decisions first. Somehow, decisions that affect my interpersonal being are more difficult than those far off into the future. It is easier to select a school than it is to reflect on who you are and what you want to do. Is that to say I am still scared to try? Still afraid of making the right choices for myself, ones that will incrementally lead to ultimate satisfaction?
These existentialist questions have no place in the now. They are daunting clouds that hang over each of our heads on a conscious or subconscious level, but as I have eventually evidently learned, I can push past this because of my confidence in myself - my ego. There is a whole philosophy behind this idea that has transcended across practical or personal application, one you can find within privileged greco-roman philosophers to success stories from underprivileged people's.
I just hope we understand that it's the effort. Late nights and early mornings. Happiness in a cup of coffee with an old friend. A half assed effort on a later award winning presentation that adds up. Was it the right way to get to where I wanted to be? What do they think of me? Can I sleep at night if I don't do anything?
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